lately I find the evenings the most lonely. The day has succumbed to the absence of light and activity for any number of hours. The day is essentially over until the morning. A still silence blankets everything and only the yellow glow of interior lighting makes even the most basic of activity possible.
The quiet. It stifles me. I feel incomplete and utterly alone. While there is light from the earth’s position I think of all sorts of things to preoccupy myself with when the inevitable descends. When the time comes, none of them seem possible to properly entertain. And so I ignore those ideas to my dismay. Over. And over again.
This planet and this place will continue for eons beyond any memory of mine or of others. The insignificance of my being is amplified at night for whatever reason. It’s easier to reflect without distractions I guess. I hate it.
Most evenings I wrestle with the very idea of sleep. It is an elusive beast that avoids capture and containment. It mocks me. Not that I don’t deserve some degree of the dance. I feel carved out, I feel the reverberations of a lonely piano key softly striking its hidden wire. I look for solace and the night and it’s beautiful stars are not always beautiful to me these days.
Tomorrow I plan on commuting to the office, reacquainting myself with my office, and to get some work done. In an empty room. Driving in puts some skin in the game. It’s not easy to be distracted by some little thing. It takes more effort to leave and think of something else. The rest of the office isn’t really going back until September and even then under some different group rules – what people are comfortable doing. Right now, I need a little time in the office. I only wish the cafeteria would be open even if just for some lousy free coffee. Seems like a short road trip to get coffee every few hours might just be the ticket – enough to break the day up into more manageable pieces.
For now, I am about to embark on the ascent upstairs to think about winding the day down and trying to sleep without being too aware of the night and its duration. Sleep will allow it pass easier for me. I will try to continue some of a great book I’ve been nibbling at called On Rue Tatin. We’ll see. Bonne nuit.
